Ghoulie Boullez Week: Universal Monsters Scouting Report

Frankenhibbert

Image by Travis Johnson

Dracula

Summary: This European phenom really comes out at night. His high flying skills have made him very feared in his home of Transylvania. And his physical rivalry against Van Helsing has made for some classic match ups.

Cons: Plays poorly during early games, has some food and sleeping issues and his anti religious stance might make a divisive locker room.

NBA Comparison: Andrei Kirkilenko

The Wolf Man

Summary: A streaky player sometimes bound for greatness, other times he’s too timid and unfocused. When things are going well, he is a beast on the floor, however those times are too inconsistent, sometimes only once a month.

Cons: Night life for the Wolf Man is going to be an issue, when he’s out at night, he’s out ALL night. Also the body hair thing might freak people out.

NBA Comparison: JR Smith

The Mummy

Summary: The Middle East has become the newest hot spot for international players and the Mummy may just join their ranks. Although he appears slow and deliberate on the floor, he is able to chase down balls with great precision.

Cons: We’re unable to see his face, and his body is covered in bandages.

NBA Comparison: Nazir Mohammed

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

Summary: The beast from the swamps is sneaky and quick, but has limited stamina for a long strech. Will sit on the bench and get rehydrated as if his life depends on it. Has big hands though that will prove useful on both sides of the court.

Cons: Gets distracted by women too easily and never wants to leave a body of water.

NBA Comparison: Kawhi Leonard

Frankenstein

Summary: This big lumbering beast of a player is not much on the offensive side, but his sheer size and strength will get him double digit boards all season. He is unmoveable in the paint and will be a physical match for any big in the league.

Cons: Is easily distracted and is terrified of fires. May have committed a crime in his past.

NBA Comparison: Roy Hibbert

 

Last Nights Number: Wizards vs Orlando Magic

New Orleans Hornets v Washington Wizards

12

John Wall lead all players with 30 points and 12 assists and the Wiz were up and down with the Magic, but managed to pull away once Paul Pierce iced a baseline shot in the final seconds. Wizards managed to have 0 blocks, the night before against the Heat they had 2 blocks. Granted this is Small Sample Size Theater, but in the first game for the New Orleans Pelicans, Anthony Davis had 9 blocks.

Wizards next game is the home opener on November 1st against the Bucks.

Ghoulie Boullez: KD2TwinPeaks Pt 4

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Kevin Durant is driving down the road to the Double R Diner. He is set to meet James Hurley. Hurley is his teammate and seems to know something about Laura, but has been reticent to tell anything to Durant. He finally got James to agree to meet him, far away from the confines of the Lumberjacks facilities.

Kevin pulls into the parking lot of the Double R and impatiently walks in, scanning for James. He sees a spiky haircut shooting out from a head lying on a table and goes over to him.

“Hey James,” Durant says. James shoots his head up, his lower lip is jutting out and he has his resting pout face on again.

“Kevin,” he trembles. “Do you ever wish you could just get away?”

“James are you always like this? Tell me about Laura.”

“I was in love with her once and she broke my heart.”

“Is that why you’re like this?”

“Like what?”

No wonder she dumped your mopey-ass, Durant thought to himself.

“So what happened to her? I really want to get this ball back to her.”

“She got mixed up in the wrong crowd. Started to hang around One Eyed Jacks.”

“One Eyed Jacks? What’s that?”

“I don’t know, my uncle doesn’t let me hang around there.”

“James,” Durant said. “You’re even weirder then Russell.”

Last Nights Number: Wizards vs Miami Heat

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Photo credit: nba.com

18

Drew Gooden III had 18 points in 34 minutes as he got the start at the Power Forward position for the Wizards. He went 8 for 11 shooting, with 5 rebounds and one assist. The Wizards lost to the Heat 107-95 as they were down three players in Nene, DeJuan Blair and Glen Rice Jr. Chris Bosh was in Raptors form as he went for 26 points, but the real story was the short career of Rasual Butler as a Wizard.

RIP Rasual.

http://youtu.be/2dDHWE9Pg0o

Ghoulie Boullez Week: KD2TwinPeaks Pt 3

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Kevin Durant walks into the empty¬†practice court of the Twin Peaks Lumberjacks. Durant is holding Laura Palmer and soaking in the new look to his life. A door swings open and a janitor is pushing a mop bucket onto the court. The janitor doesn’t look at Durant, he is trying to sheild something from him and it takes a minute for Durant to realize that the janitor only has one arm.

Finally the doors burst open and the team comes onto the court, almost all of them rush Durant and start to talk to him, while the coach comes in behind, quietly.

“Nice to have you with us, Kevin. I’m Coach Harry Truman, this here is my assistant, Hawk. We don’t really understand why you chose this rag tag outfit for your new home, but we sure are glad to have you.”

Durant smiles and nods while the coach talks, but he feels an intense pressure to speak. He looks up and sees the janitor is now staring at him. Coach Truman notices his face and turns to see what’s going on.

“Oh, that’s just Mike. He cleans up around here. Say, what’cha got there?” Coach Truman motions towards Laura Palmer.

Durant pulls the ball back in a protective reflex.

“I found this on my way here, I think it belongs to a girl named Laura,” Durant says.

A strange hush comes over the team and Coach Truman and Hawk look to the ground uncomfortably.

“What? Do you know Laura?” Durant asks.

“I know Laura,” a sullen voice from the ground rises.

“Kevin, I’d like you to meet your starting point guard, James Hurley.”

 

 

Ghoulie Boullez Week: NBA Cryptozoology

Loch Ness Monster

Cryptozoology is the pseudo scientific study of animals whose existence has not been proven. Although the same cannot be said for certain players in the NBA, their existence has been so fringe, they may as well be Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

vincent Photo credit: nuggetshoops.com

Vincent Yarbrough

Yarbrough was spotted frequently when he was younger, named a McDonalds All-American in high school and then was spotted again for four years in Tennessee. However, his last appearance was in Colorado, specifically the Denver area, where he put up an average of 6.9 points per game before disappearing from the US. There have been sightings in Greece, Italy and Belgium.

Khalid El-Amin

Thought to be a legend in Minnesota, El-Amin was then spotted again for four years in Connecticut where his appearances were frequent. Although that could have been blamed on the student population of Stoors, who were undoubtedly under the influence of some mixture of chemicals. Very briefly El-Amin was spotted in Chicago, now donning red and black colors, but with only 6.3 ppg, the entire experience was chalked up to the city of Chicago have post-Jordan delusions.

Juan Carlos Navarro

A frequent legend in Spain, Navarro showed up in the mysterious land of Memphis one day. Apparently lured by player Pau Gasol, Navarro was seen haunting Beale Street for a year before his sightings returned to Spain. He’s never been seen on American soil since, probably much to the delight of Grizzlies fans.

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God Shammgod

A highly touted spirit in New York City, the Legend of Shammgod moved to Providence, Rhode Island before briefly haunting the nations capital. There were sightings of Shammgod with such sporting luminaries as Chris Webber and Rod Strickland, but then he disappeared as quickly as he emerged.

 

Ghoulie Boullez Week: KD2TwinPeaks Pt 2

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Kevin Durant is driving down the highway to Twin Peaks. The road is empty except for the shadow of trees. He turns to his portable mp3 recorder and starts:

“Diane, I am headed to Twin Peaks. I am expected to be a starter on the upstart team, but there seems to be something strange in this town. I don’t know why I am drawn to play here, this isn’t the best option for me. I also don’t know anyone named Diane. And who uses these mp3 recorders?”

He gets the urge to turn off the road onto a small clearing. It is fenced in with a plaque reading “Pete Martell Memorial Fishin Spot”. Durant walks closer to the water and sees something out of the corner of his eye. The wind kissed the plastic lying on the beach. Durant decided to investigate. As he got closer a sense of dread crept over him and even though his brain told him to stop, he pushed through.

He grabbed a corner of the tarp and pulled it back slowly. The skin had bumps all over it, the color was faded, the lines dark and old. Parts of it had withered and started to look like an old pumpkin. He reached down and pulled up a basketball. He inspected it in his hand, looking on all sides. In a faded scrawl across one portion read the name “Laura”.

A rustle startled Kevin and brought him back. He saw a kid on a bicycle at the top of the fishing spot clearing.

“Hey!” The kid yelled. “I like the way you palm that ball!”

“Palm, palm,” Durant started to mumble. He looked down at the ball again and saw her name. “Laura..Palm. Laura Palmer.”

Ghoulie Boullez Week: The Haunting of Andrea Bargnani

Andrea Bargnani has been the laughing stock of the NBA for a couple of years now. And while he’s known for a series of terrible moves, I do not believe that it’s his fault.

I believe Andrea Bargnani is being haunted. Much like the movie The Sixth Man, I believe ghosts have taken to moving Bargnani’s body into certain maneuvers in order to make him look foolish. Just look at the evidence-

Poor Bargs. Although we all enjoy a good laugh at the former number one pick, his haunting is not a joke. A haunting is a serious problem Elevator Doors is doing it’s piece by raising awareness of Basketball Hauntings. Please be considerate in your teasing and contact any local exorcists.

Ghoulie Boullez Week: How to Resurrect Steve Nash

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The basketball world was saddened by the news that Steve Nash was going to miss the entire 2014-15 season due to a back injury. Nash had already stated that this was going to be his final year, but with the injury it appears we will never see Nash on the court again.

His offensive skills, especially with the 7-seconds-or-less Phoenix Suns, help transform the game. His skills had been in serious decline by the time he joined the Los Angeles Lakers and he was never able to survive an entire season without serious injury.

But what if we could replace his body? Sure his skills would need an adjustment to the new form, but the mentality and court vision are still sharp. So let’s examine the options of a replacement Nash.

Aliens Power Loader

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His physical form would still be there, but the exo-skeleton would re-inforce the body so he could keep up with the physical demands of an NBA season. The cons would be his speed would diminish greatly, but then we could see Steve Nash as a post-up player.

Complete Rebuild

This should be done Six Million Dollar Man style and not so much on the Robocop style. With added bodily reinforcements, increased jumping ability AND a crack medical team to fix him whenever he breaks down, Nash can be back in prime form.

The Thing With Two Heads

This would require a joint effort between Nash and another player. For fairness sake, why not add another player who was ALSO plagued with injuries? Looking at you Grant Hill. Add the two nicest players on the same body and let them go to work!