Elevator Doors Podcast (2014-2015)

Approximately a year ago, I started the process of figuring out what to do with my summer. I bounced around to a couple of websites, writing about the NBA, but not being very happy with what I was producing. I felt it was too stiff, not enough of myself interjected in it and lacking a weirdo sensibility. I was very lucky to fall into a position writing about sports for Impose magazine, but their requirements for writing were much smaller than what I had previously done, so I had all this free time on my hands and lots of ideas.


And so the podcast was born. It took a while figuring out what I wanted it to be, somewhere inbetween The Best Show on WFMU, James Urbaniak’s great podcast Getting On,  Spaulding Gray monologues and lots of other ideas. Although the first two episodes had guests, I quickly jettisoned this idea because it opened up a number of problems (wrangling guests, time constraints, etc) and streamlined what was then just going to be weekly monologues. First it was just about the Washington Wizards, in an attempt to use up all this knowledge I had gained from closely covering the team for months and also to hopefully pivot that into getting the podcast onto a network for hosting support.

But I quickly dropped that too, opened up to the entire NBA, spent probably less time talking about basketball than I should have, and used the vast array of occult, marginalized and experimental thoughts out there to be the mirror in which I viewed basketball.

I liked it, it was a lot of fun, it was challenging to put myself up every week with short notes, a back track of weirdo music and ramble on for 30 minutes. If you couldn’t tell, I never edited the podcast except in case of serious audio problems, so I never got to correct myself. I kept that all on the audio and embarassed myself time and time again.

In one season of basketball, I completed episodes almost weekly, with a couple of Extrasodes in there and the failed backdoor pilot of Carver High, where I was going to review every episode of The White Shadow.



And that sounds good for now.

The podcast is done. I really appreciate anyone who listened, the numbers were steadily increasing, every month and I thought I was doing really fun stuff.

But I also have lots of other interests, including just spending time with my friends, family and my lovely girlfriend. And I think I’d like to go back to exploring some of that for a while. Even if it didn’t seem like the pod took up a lot of work to do, it took up A LOT of mental work. Researching stuff took up a ton of time and while I could reach out for advertisers or do a Patreon to help with the cost of some of the stuff, I still feel weird about all that.

With all of that said, this site will still be around, albeit as occasional as it has been the past year. I’m still writing at Impose until they tell me to not do that anymore. I don’t see myself taking on anymore sports writing gigs, but the occasional flash of music or film writing will happen sometimes.

It also means my twitter account might be lying dormant or go away completly. Since it’s primary means of function are for promotion of stuff, and the things I have to promote on my own will be much less, I might just delete it entirely and go outside or something.

The podcasts will stay up on libsyn, Itunes and Stitcher for a while.

If you want to get in touch for any reason, email me at ufosareglam@gmail

Thanks for everyone who listened or said they would listen, or retweeted a link or even lied to me and said you liked it. You guys are the best.

LeBron James: Cleveland Codependence

My grandmother got a new copy of the same book every year. It had some slight updates but was never radical in its approach. It was big, and leather bound and had a shiny imprint lettering on the cover. It was the Physicians Desk Reference. The handy guide to medicine and ailments and every year my grandmother got herself a new copy to go through and highlight and obsess and attempt to treat because well, she was a nurse. During World War II my grandmother was a nurse, she was married right after the war and started a family and was never a nurse again. But the big new copy of the PDR made her a nurse again and any ailment told to her would be a quick page flip away from complete diagnosis.

When I was older I used to have a fantasy that we would play a trick on her and slip in a copy of the DSM4, the psychiatric guide to diagnosis. That would really blow her mind. She could ask “Andy, what’s wrong?” And I could say “Well, I’m a little fatigued and feeling a little hot but mostly I think I’m suffering from a summer co-dependence. I always forget, do you starve a co-dependence or feed a co-dependence?”

Co-dependence is one of those things that we all feel like we have a feeling for. We can spot the codependents in our circle of friends or our family, we can tell there’s just something off with that one friend of ours who will just never go out without her boyfriend, and surprise, the boyfriend never wants to go out!

One of the greatest examples of co-dependence we see almost daily is on reality television. The best example of co-dependence is the show Hoarders. You know Hoarders even if you’ve been living under a rock under a dumpster that it’s a cave that’s hidden in the treacherous terrain of whatever enemy land occupies your worst nightmare.

So at some point on each episode of Hoarders the therapist comes in and talks with our Hoarder.

Therapist – Now Terry, why don’t you tell me about what made you start….collecting.

Terry  – Well, Doc, one day I lost my keys to my truck and then I decided I’m not gonna lose nothing anymore.

Therapist – But Terry, haven’t you lost…everything?

When the 2014 free agency summer session started, all eyes were on LeBron James. He had completed his contract with the Miami Heat and although it was enticing to keep the band together for one more try in Miami, eventually King James moved back home and became a Cleveland Cavalier again.

The betrayal that Cleveland fans felt when he left to join Miami drove the image of LeBron from hometown hero to heel. People burned his jersey, when the Cavs drafted Kyrie Irving, he was immediately crowned the savior. He wasn’t from Ohio, he had no ties to the team or the place, but he had to replace him. Capital H him.

He wasn’t allowed to entertain the notion of leaving lest the entire city drag him back to Quicken Loans center.

The relationship between LeBron and Cleveland is enough to fill Sigmund Freud’s grave. LeBron doesn’t get to leave the state of Ohio and at the age of 18, he is put onto the savior pedestal. The chosen one who just months before had to ask to use the bathroom now has the save all of the sorry franchises that ever existed in Cleveland.


It’s hard to watch a fanbase suffer for so long, but it’s just as hard to watch a friend or a family member be stuck in a codependent relationship. You ache for them to take a step back and assess the situation, you want them to go talk to a therapist, or a priest or a psychic and get a new perspective, you want them to gain some kind of epiphany to see that their situation is toxic.

But love and fandom do not reside in the rational corners of your brain. You want to sit the entire city of Cleveland down and say

Therapist – Now Cleveland, why don’t you tell me about what made you start….hurting.

Terry – Well I think it all started because the industries left this town and all we had were our teams and then they just…kept….hurting us.

Therapist – But Cleveland, aren’t you hurting…yourself?

Cleveland wasn’t the only city in the Midwest who had a superstar come back into the fold. Derrick Rose played the most he’s played since 2011 this past season and at times he looked great, at times he looked bad, but the future of the Chicago Bulls is still caught up in the expensive dollars dedicated to Rose, while at risk of losing rising star Jimmy Butler in free agency. There are also glaring holes that could be replaced if Rose’s salary were to disappear.

And yet Chicago fans cannot seem to let go the idea that Rose can return to his MVP form. And the team could squander Butler away from the team, waste away the final years of Pau Gasol, the ascending years of Aaaron Brooks and Tony Snell.

Okay scratch that, but if the money wasn’t tied up in Rose, if fans could let go of the codependent hope that Rose someone recovers from his, at last count, hundreds of injuries and leave the hope behind.

Mamaleek & The Splash Brothers: Stay Woke

The mysterious black metal duo Mamaleek just released their newest slab of experimental lofi murk in their album Via Dolorosa.

So little is known about the band, their scant biography only has them as a pair of brothers from the Bay Area of San Francisco, and the only published photo of them is as children-


And who even knows if that is really them?

But within the shadows of invented mythology of metal bands, there is probably a more sinister truth to the core of Mamaleek: They are the Splash Brothers.

Yes, the backcourt duo of Klay Thompson and Steph Curry, currently ready to do battle against the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals.

Preposterious? Absurd? That’s just what THEY want you to believe, cause I deal in #factsonly and provide the following evidence.

According to Encyclopedia Metallum, Mamaleek was formed in San Francisco in 2008. That year they released two albums, their self-titled debut and Fever Dream.

Steph Curry was drafted by the Golden State Warriors in 2009.

So, the origins of metal bands are always rife with smoke and mirrors, obscuring the birthplace of who and what and where, so we can take their origins with a grain of salt. There is no disputing that they were always a duo, however the project could have just been one brother working on the music without the full help of the other brother.

In 2011, the same year Klay Thompson was drafted by the Dubs, Mamaleek released their album Kurdaitcha on the Enemies List Home Recordings label. The album proved to be a huge jump in the aesthetic performance of the band.

Shifting way far out of the form of a bedroom black metal duo, Mamaleek combined the lofi aesthetic with Arabic influences, a slower pace and knee deep in experimentation. The duo shook the dusty, rigid format of black metal while not attempting to make it a crossover, still put an indelible stamp on it.

The Splash Brothers took a similar approach to their basketball play, honing in on similar skills, a pairing shouldn’t work between the two of them, but it’s easily the best grouping of the NBA.

Same with Mamaleek’s approach to their experimentation, the combining of a vast array of influences and sounds, even pop music, combined with the increasinly graying sound of black metal would be wasted in the wrong hands, but the chemistry of the group outshines the possible deficiencies.

The Brothers Splash/Mamaleek still ascended in 2014 with a hard fought first round exit in seven games against the Los Angeles Clippers and the Mamaleek album He Never Spoke a Mumblin’ Word.

Shortly after their playoff loss, Warriors coach Mark Jackson was fired amid a flurry of personel issues between other coaches, management and Jackson.

One report was that given Mark Jackson’s sidejob as a pastor, he had frequently spent time preaching to his team. Known for being a boisterous player and play by play man, Jackson wasn’t shy to speak his mind.

Is it possible that the title of Mamaleek’s fourth album is a direct reference to Jackson? Watch this video of Jackson preaching the gospel on the streets of Los Angeles to see if that voice could be attributed to the idea of a man who never spoke a mumblin word.

Jackson was replaced by Steve Kerr and the Warriors ascended to a great height as they lean on the edge of winning the franchise’s first championship since the 60’s.

In addition to that, Mamaleek have released their latest album Via Dolorosa. The title comes from the Latin phrase “Way of Grief” and is frequently used to reflect the passage within the City of Jerusalem that was the path that Jesus walked on the way to his crucifixion.

Steph Curry is a devout Christian who frequently speaks about his faith, so the title being used by him would make a lot of sense. But it also could describe the path of former coach and fellow Christian, Mark Jackson.

The facts are there that the identity of the Splash Brothers are the same as Mamaleek. But we can keep a secret, no reason to ruin a good thing.


Inside the Outside of the NBA