Episode 12: Carmelo Anti Capitalist

Wizards pre-season news and game stats. A recap of the Baltimore Basketball Classic. Wrapping up the Spirit Animals, more tarot card predictions and an exploration of Carmelo Anthony as avant garde artist.

Last Nights Number: Wizards vs New York Knicks



Otto Porter had 22 points combined with John Wall’s 29 for 51 of the Wizards 100 points. They lost to the Knicks as Carmelo hit a game winner to give the Knicks 103 points.

Damion James had 13 points and Kevin Seraphin had 10 points off the bench.

Paul Pierce did not play, while John Lucas III made his debut. In 15 minutes, Lucas had 2 rebounds, 1 assist and 1 steal, but attempted no shots.

The next game counts as the season starts Wednesday 29th for the Wizards.

13 Fluxus Performances for JR Smith

Atlanta Hawks v New York Knicks

Photo credit: Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

1) Eat your jersey at center court before tip off.

2) Run your fingernails over the bumps of a basketball continuously for 90 minutes.

3) Bounce a ball up and down the court using on your knees. Attempt shots on one knee.

4) Enter the court with a see through backpack with a basketball inside. Take the basketball out and saw the ball in half. Return the pieces to the backpack and leave the court.

5) Leave notes of encouragement or derision on the backboard of your opponents basket.

6) Perform for your favorite audience by placing mirrors all along the perimeter of the court.

7) Cover your eyes with bandages and take shots.

8) Performer lets the following drop: shots, knees, withering glances to Andrea Bargnani, assist percentage.

9) Broom. Sweep. Turn Off Lamp. Turn On Lamp. Tell Chris Smith he did a good job cleaning your basement.

10) Play an entire game holding a vase of flowers.

11) Play basketball with a fruit.

12) Dress as badly as possible. No, the orange Knicks uniforms don’t count.

13) Two performers. One performer asks for a pass, you wait one year and then pass.

The 4 Types of Basketball Widows

It’s that time of year again, basketball season is almost upon us, that means the girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, and partners of hardcore NBA fans are coming into a period of social famine. For the months off-season, NBA fans are are a seemingly normal, if not a nerdy bunch, but during the season, these fans are bleary eyed from Pacific Division games, frothy at the mouth over narrative and every number starts to look like the expected WinShare/48.

But the ones who really suffer are the families of these fans. Elevator Doors examines the Four Types of Basketball Widows the season turns people into.

1) The Couch Napper

Comfortable with hanging out while watching a game, this widow takes the fandom pretty casually and will drift off to sleep to the dulcet tones of sneakers squeaking against the hardwood. Their observation skills will grow as the season goes on, and the more hardcore widow will adopt a particular player as a favorite, one that isn’t too flashy, but also not one that is so obscure they never get into the game. The Couch Napper will also pretend they don’t care about the game, are just being a good partner, but casually spout off an injury or a poor shooting effort and the Couch Napper will erupt with passion.

2) The Usurper

More intense than the Couch Napper, this widow turns a casual fandom into a slight obsession. Before you know it, the Usurper is spouting off advance takes on the game, pulling up obscure stats to thwart the talking heads of a broadcast and diagramming players with a scouting eye. If you’re lucky, the Usurper decides to root for the same team as you, but if you’re an unlucky fan, if the Usurper goes rogue and decides to cheer for your rival, you’re liable to find your Mitchell & Ness hat boiling on a stove. Sleep with one eye open, friend.

3) Facepainter

This widow is in so deep, you the fan are the actual widow. So meta.

4) The Magazine Reader

This Widow couldn’t care less if there was a triple overtime Spurs-Thunder game or a under 80-points Celtics-76ers game, the Widow just wants to be in the  room with you. This Widow will read a magazine, or a book, or check Facebook/Twitter/Instagram all the while never gazing up at the athletic achievement taking place on the television in front of them. This maneuver will also translate to the live game experience.





Last Nights Number: Wizards vs New Orleans Pelicans



John Wall was pulled from the game, Paul Pierce was nursing a knee bruise and although the inital look is that Glen Rice Jr’s ankle will heal without surgery, he was still not able to go, so Garrett Temple got the start in the very short back court.

He started at Shooting Guard and then moved into Point Guard when Andre Miller left the court. Temple had 13 points, 5 assists, and 3 rebounds as the Wizards lost 88-84. They had an atrocious first half to a near empty Baltimore Arena, but hey, Elevator Doors was there! Here are a couple of pictures I took-

photo 1

These guys were there, protecting the masses from the scourge of basketball fans.

photo 2

I realized like 4 of my pictures had this guys head in them.

photo 3

G Wiz was looking into the stands of children, trying to find his next kill.

The Red Shirt Theory: Central Division


Here be the remains of the 2013-14 Red Shirt Theory for the NBA. This time we go after the Central Division in all it’s gritty glory.

Milwaukee Bucks

Ekpe Udoh

Generally I try to find a player that has been in at least 50 games in order to give the stats a fair shake, but the Bucks were in such a tank mode that only 8 players played more than 50 games. And of those, only 4 played more than 70! So Ekpe and his book club get the Ensign treatment for this team, with a 7.6 PER in 42 games. 3.4 points, 3.5 rebounds and a block a game for a team lacking frontcourt depth. His turnover rate was 18.8% and a Win Share/48 of .000. He was dealt at the end of the season.

Detroit Pistons

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope

Poor KCP, on a team with a handful of ball stoppers in Rodney Stuckey, Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Brandon Jennings and Josh Smith. KCP put up a 9.4 PER in 80 games. He only attempted 5.8 FGs a game, and only 2.3 three point attempts, concluding in 5.9 points per game. His turnover rate was 5.4%, but for a guy who is a shooter, he just went to waste in the land of a thousand iso’s.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Alonzo Gee

Even more shocking than his appearance on this list to to discover Gee played in all 82 games for the Cavs in 2012-13. The 26 year old was in 65 games this season, squeezing out a 8.6 PER, with a 14.3 TOV%, wrapping up with 4.0 points, 0.7 assists and 2.3 rebounds. He was used as a trade piece to re-build the Cavs for LeBron James and wound up on the cutting room floor a month before the season when the Sacramento Kings waived him on September 25th.


Chicago Bulls

Tony Snell

The 22 year old Snell put time in 77 games in a weak bench Bulls team and managed an 8.0 PER with a 11.1 TOV%. He averaged 4.5 ppg on 4.4 FGA in 16 minutes per game. The Bulls shooting was abysmal and it’s a shame Snell never found his footing, but his defensive prowess trades off on the court. Since the Bulls finally added some shooters, Snell may thrive this coming season, but last year, he was Ensign class.

Indiana Pacers

Evan Turner

Oh god you guys, Evan Turner. Now the starting PG of the Boston Celtics, because why not just keep trying to blow it up? Yes he came over in a trade, but Turner is almost Red Shirt Hall of Fame already. TOV% of 14.2, True Shooting percentage of .468 and 7.1 ppg, 2.4 assists and a per game FG% of .411. And all he’s supposed to do is shoot! It was a huge miscalculation to bring him to the Pacers, because Lance Stephenson basically did the same job and the two of them blew up at each other while the Pacers team melted on court.








Podcast Episode 11: Fool Upside Down

Pre-season reviews, injury talk and the XPPS points scored and points against system all discussed. As well as tarot card previews for the rest of the pre-season and part three of the Spirit Animals discussion.

NCAA Prospect Comparison: Porter & Rice


Photo credit: Jim Mone/AP

Thanks to the always great Nylon Calculus, we can project comparisons of players based on college performance. And use that data to give us an idea of how these players will flesh out in the NBA.

We have a pretty good idea of who the Wizards are this season, except for Otto Porter and Glen Rice Jr, who did not spend a lot of time on the floor. Although they both performed well in the Summer League, the competition levels of that are low.They have both had good and bad games in the pre-season this year, but with the injury to Beal, their already high expectations for this season have busted through the roof.

First a look at Otto Porter’s comparison


This is quite a mixed bag. The VAL is the overall prospect value, measured in percentile (0 to 1) Positive values mean that the comparison looked better overall in college than the focal player, negative values mean the comparison looked worse. The three biggest comparisons are the ones in the middle. Mike Miller and Ray Allen are spot up, long range experts who have lasted years. Vince Carter was a dunk machine, athletic freak who wowed on the court, but was not ready mentally for the game in those early days. He has now matured into a much desirable role player who can still hit a clutch shot. All solid role players who at one time (at least for Allen and Carter) were viewed as number one options offensively. Which is what the Wizards need him for right now. He could possibly develop into a bigger offensive option and I think that’s where the front office should see his trajectory, but right now, he’s a bench player.

Another interesting player to look at in that list is Jason Richardson. Another long time role player, Richardson always averaged double-digit in points and had three seasons where he was averaging over 20 ppg. He has a career FG average of 44% and a career 3-point average of 34%. If Richardson serves as Porters ceiling, that is still a pretty good bench/occasional starting option.

Glen Rice Jr


If you see the positive portion of the VAL, that operates as a “Rich Man’s” option to that player (the negative being the Poor Man’s version). So Rice’s is the Rich Man’s Vincent Yarbrough (one season with the Nuggets averaging 6.9 ppg), Jeryl Sasser (two years in the league, career avg 2.6 ppg) and the Poor Man’s J.R. Giddens (4 seasons, career avg 1.9 ppg).

The intriguing comparison is to be a Rich Man’s James Johnson. Johnson was drafted in 2009 as a big wing prospect, but was dogged by personal issues. He bounced around a lot before being pulled up out of the D League last year by the Memphis Grizzlies. He lead that team on a spark when they were thin from injuries. His offense was streaky and dried up entirely in the playoffs, but if Rice is the Rich Man’s version of him, the Wizards have less to worry about. Johnson was an ace on perimeter defense for the Grizzlies, and that’s where the development of Rice needs to be watched. Rice is three inches shorter than Johnson, so he may not be the same level of animal on the perimeter, but the ability to trade off some of that defense for offense will make him a solid rotational member.